Pregnancy is...

Pregnancy is a gift.

As a woman you think you should be able to have a baby when you are "ready" because you did the whole "becoming a women," sat through the health classes, felt your hormones make you spin, got zits, spent money on monthly necessities, and endured pain. Yet somehow trying and being unsuccessful at getting pregnant is a secret. Just like all things we are quick to announce our successes, but we hide our failures. Not that getting my period is a great day any time, but I mourned each month when I knew My husband and I wanted it to work that time. The first few months of trying to get pregnant were easier, but as I get closer to a year it started to wear on me, because instead of something just not falling into place that month, the reality was something could be wrong. Plus, I had done the healthy things to make my body ready for a baby and didn't drink alcohol. It saddened me to think something was wrong, which meant doctors, tests, money, and more time without having a baby.

During this time, I was truly happy for friends and family getting pregnant. Oddly it was the people who were open about their monthly disappointments that frustrated me. For example, someone had just started trying and after one month shared she had a negative pregnancy test and was depressed. I laughed inwardly and thought of myself and many others who tried much longer than that and maybe even after years were unable to be pregnant. It felt dramatic. But here I am being a hypocrite because at one point I too was disappointed after just a month, I was just at a different point in the journey now and managed it differently. 

It's kind of like miscarriages, when is the right time to share the news? When you're trying? Not getting pregnant? Pregnant? Not staying pregnant? When the baby is born? It seems that women's bodies and what they do with them in the reproductive and early years of raising babies has become quite polarizing. I am disappointed in myself when I think about how I was about to laugh when a woman was disappointed after one month of trying to get pregnant. I am glad that I didn't act on that initial response, and instead offered her encouragement and prayer, but I still judged her for a moment. Instead we are sisters in spirit, craving the calling of motherhood. We need to rally for one another.

Last spring we had just had our first meeting with a nurse practioner about having tests done to find out if there was a reason we weren't getting pregnant, and to consider treatments/medications. We had this same appointment with a different doctor the month we actually got pregnant with Caleb on our own two years earlier. I don't know if going to the doctor relinquished some stress, but that month everything fell into place on its own after 14 months of trying. We got our firstborn son, Caleb. I was hoping for a similar effect this time. Around the time of setting up this appointment I spent the weekend with a friend I had not seen for years. She and I confided in one another that getting pregnant was not easy. My friend had yet to get pregnant and they had tried several treatments plans. She shared that few friends and family members knew because she didn't want them asking if she was pregnant yet. It added to the stress and disappointment, and it also limited her circle of support sadly. What a Catch 22. I've always believed in the power of prayer so I tend to share when I or my family has  a need, but I have many friends and family members who feel differently. I understand both sides and wonder where the judgement comes from? Back to the question about when is the right time to share our needs, disappointments, successes, and decisions. 

I am reflective on this today because we are about to have twins. Instead of people asking if we did fertility, they ask if there are twins in the family. It's a PC way to find out, and I don't think I take offense. The truth is we have twins on both sides. Nothing in our immediate siblings or parents, but among our cousins, and grandparents' families. While we were dating we figured this out and both said we'd like to have twins some day. God heard us:) The second truth is we did testing and found that my uterus did not make a thick enough lining for an egg to implant well. Didn't mean it wasn't impossible, clearly Caleb is here, but that it was less likely to get pregnant easily. So one month of oral medication later, we were pregnant, and at 8 weeks we had an ultrasound showing twins. We had immediate family praying for us and doctor's assisting. I don't know which had more influence over the two lives that are about to make their presence known to the world, but we are blessed they are coming. 

Pregnancy is a gift, not a given. With that mindset I will do my best to stay positive and muscle through these final weeks and days of discomfort. I had unpleasant pregnancy side effects from the beginning (take after my mom), but it is a sacrifice I know many women wish they could experience. And if/when I do complain, please take it with a grain of salt knowing that I know you would if you could, and I should be grateful to have the chance to be pregnant. Perspective is difficult to maintain in our pain, whether it be physical, emotional, or mental. My mom taught me the mantra for delivery, "It hurts so good. It hurts so good..." I'm using it already.

And truly it isn't about whether you were pregnant and birthed a child, or you felt called to adopt, or you are the best aunt ever ...

Loving children is a gift, a blessing, and a big job.

I aim not to take it for granted. 

Bri