Caleb adjusting to bed rest

Yesterday, Monday, was a tough day for me physically. I could literally feel myself stretching. It was a constant discomfort and every time the babies moved it just intensified. I'm usually a mind over matter person, just my mental toughness really struggled. So after a ver immobile day, I just waited for my sweet Caleb to come home. I had moved to the couch to greet him. He ran in the door exclaiming, "Mommy! Mommy!" 

After his hat, coat, and boots came off he jumped onto the couch. He then said, "IPad? Mommy's bed?" I almost laughed out loud. 

I grinned and said, "No buddy. We're out here to play. We will snuggle later." 

He proceeded to whimper and say, "No...Mommy's bed!"

Caleb likes bed rest:)

Weekend at Oma & Grandpa's

Caleb has two sets of very loving grandparents. He is so blessed to have an extended family near and far that love him. This Friday Caleb and I left daycare and headed straight for my parents for the weekend. Friday night Caleb got to play with Grandpa downstairs. Downstairs is Caleb's favorite inside place at their house. He asks for it all the time. "Downstairs, downstairs, downstairs..."

Downstairs are toys from my childhood as well as some new things that Grandpa Gene and Oma can't help but add to their collection. Gene sees a deal or imagines the fun, it's added, especially if it has to do with building and assembling. He has mentioned he wants to share the love for putting things together and building with his grandkids. Caleb is game! 

Saturday Caleb got to help make chex mix, play outside with Oma, play dough time, and more. He has his own room upstairs, in the bottom bunk bed. He likes it and has slept well there. His night sleep and naps have gone well. Oma is just down the hall and can easily get to him when he stirs. Each morning when he woke, he would come down with Oma and give me some snuggles:) I'd sit in the basement and interact with him while he played. 

Sunday was a bit more cuddly. We read books and had a train day with three different sets in the basement. Caleb went outside and played in tractor made snow hills with Grandpa after nap. They rolled balls for a snowman too! 

For supper Aunt Greta and Alex came over for family supper. Caleb ate his weight in broccoli and pickles. Broccoli he get from Daddy, and pickles from Greta:)

We reunited with Daddy after supper. We drove home, happy to get home. Our little family time is expiring soon, so we treasure each moment together. 

Josh got a lot done upstairs, so we all had a great weekend!

Caleb and Grandpa Outside

What does it feel like to be you?

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I am guessing, but this weekend they played the movie "The Help" on TNT due to that holiday. I remember reading the book and then watching the movie and crying during both. Knowing that this time of white supremacy really wasn't so long ago in the south really became apparent. And truly it still exists in many places and hearts. It hurt my heart to read/see little ones ignored by their mothers and people hired to be in one's home with such little respect and kindness. The end makes me cry as the main character must walk away from the little girl she was raising and loving. She has a powerful monologue that made me think about a couple things.
1. Writing was used as a powerful character in that book. Seems redundant, but the book written showed how powerful and cathartic writing is in times of conflict, emotional or physical.
- I agree! The times I am compelled most to write are usually preceded by a heart string plucked, a temper boiling, and moments of triumph or brokenness.
2. The movies ends with a monologue in which she states, "No one asked me what it felt like to be me before." Now I might be a little to fragile right now to answer that question with a smidge of objectivity (but who needs that), but it got me thinking. It's different than asking someone how they feel or who they are. It is a combination that requires some brutal honesty and vulnerability. The women in the story "The Help" were brave enough to reflect, laugh and cry their way through that answer. What does it feel like to be me? What does it feel like to be you?

And would you share your stories/answer if the author couldn't be anonymous?

Week One of bed rest

January 6 I had a regularly scheduled weekly appointment with Dr T. He found that my cervix had started to thin and dilate more than desired at 28.5 weeks. I was transferred over to ISJ hospital for monitoring of babies and to check if I was having contractions. They did the Group B test and a few others right away. Baby girl didn't stay monitored very well. She liked moving around a bit too much. Baby Boy's heartbeat was loud and strong, taking the spotlight. The bad news is I have having contractions almost every 2 minutes. The good news is that the babies weren't effected at all. Every nurse was awesome and commented that the babies looked so healthy. They did a thorough ultrasound and we found the babies are still around the 50th percentile and just ounces away from 3 pounds. Because contractions could be started by being checked by the doctor and getting some unsettling news, as well as perhaps some dehydration, they gave me an IV of fluids. The bag of fluids did calm the contractions enough that after about three hours of monitoring I finally got to go home, with an appointment for the next day. Dr Taylor said he would be contemplating bed rest but because things calmed so well and babies were doing well, I didn't think of it as very likely. Josh was super supportive and we both really stayed calm through the entire evening. I really felt like I was in good hands, medically and spiritually.

We went home and I took it easy knowing that the next day there was no school again due to cold weather. It was again low stress.

January 7 I had a morning appointment again with Dr Taylor. He found me still at the same place as yesterday in terms of dilating and thinning, but that wasn't necessarily good news. I was showing signs of pre-labor and there are two babies to consider, and it was just 28.5 weeks.

Dr. T determined he'd like to get me off my feet, and take as much pressure of my cervix as possible. That meant no teaching. I nodded like that sounded fine and would be easy, but two minutes after the appointment my head started to spin a little. During the rest of the appointment Dr T also determined he'd like me to have the 2 shots for the babies lung development so that we had our bases covered, and a daily dose of progesterone to put off full labor. Officially he gave me a modified bed rest. That means one can sit or lay on the couch or bed, and sit at dinner, but there should be no cleaning, laundry, cooking, errands, lifting, etc. I can drive to rest somewhere else or get to an appointment, but I should not exert myself in any way. I went right to school to drop off school things I had with me (my laptop and manuals), and labeled a few things for the sub. My 'boss' came and she helped arrange a sub for the month of January until my pre-arranged long term substitute could start in February. The sub we got made me feel my students were in good hands and my desk was pretty organized to leave to someone else. I was not as planned and prepped as far ahead as I would have liked in a planned absence, but it was enough in my capable sub's hands.

Caleb was at daycare due to the morning appointment and we realized for his good and my orders we would maintain his routine of going to Amy's house. He gets great care, activities, nutrition, and time with friends that would be difficult to offer him at home while restricted. I am able to pick him up since he can get into his own car seat, and it is minimal effort.

January 8 was my official first day off work and it felt odd to be getting school emails that I would not have to be a part of. I had to go in for the 2nd shot for the babies' lungs and after that I had some back pain/spasms. I had one and then one an hour later, but soon they were coming more frequent, almost every 5 minutes. I didn't have any back labor with Caleb, but figured that's what was happening. I called Josh and he met me at the clinic. Dr T isn't in on Wednesdays, so I saw Dr D. They hooked me up to monitor babies and contractions again, but this time Baby Girl was a rockstar and Baby Boy was moving too much to be monitored well. Some contractions were showing up, but not regular or strong enough to cause any noticeable stress on the babies. It was possible that the back spasms were causing the contractions, or the other way around, but bottom line things still looked ok, so we went home. That night we all played and cuddled on the bed for about an hour. That has been my favorite hour of bed rest so far. Caleb loved coming and getting under the covers with me. I love his snuggles!

Jan 9-13 things have stayed relatively calm. I may have felt a few contractions here and there but nothing intense or regular. Babies are still moving so much in my tight belly that I almost feel nauseous. I stayed at my parents Friday to Saturday while Josh, his dad, and brother-in-law ripped out the walls and insulation in our upstairs bedroom, bathroom, and attic space. We are moving our master upstairs to have more room and turn our old room into another kid room. They got a great start on the project and Josh has continued to work on it each day. This means we have random totes and storage in the dining room, but if anyone comes over I think they'll be forgiving.

I have a list of sedentary things to do. Some days it is not very appealing to me and other days I am amazed how many things I cross off. The reality is I could be on bed rest another day or another 6 weeks. I don't know if I want to cross everything off and be bored in a week or space it out. I definitely get a little TV or reading in, but I haven't started many novels knowing once I start it, I get sucked in and suck it down. I'll save that when my To Dos are a little less I guess. The hardest thing is I check my email or Facebook probably 15 times a day. This extrovert craves interaction. At the same time I'm not necessarily dressed for company, so give me a five minute warning:) In the evening it is my Caleb and family time, so really it is from about 9:00-3:30 that leaves me without a clear agenda that I just make up each day. If you wish to stop by, let me know. Thursdays are usually my doctor appointments, but otherwise I'm free as a bird. Due to the construction plans on the weekend, Caleb and I will likely evacuate for the next couple weeks to my parents' house or my in-laws. That way I have the help for Caleb, and we can leave Josh less distracted or worried about us.

So one week down and we're doing well. As my belly stretches I can feel my heart stretching too. Our family is growing. We are blessed!

The boy who made me Mommy

As I am about to go from a Mother of One to a Mother of 3, I look at my son who started it all.

I remember Caleb's first night home. He had fallen asleep and I laid him in his bassinet next to my bed, and went back to the living room. I had the monitor but it wasn't long before I needed to see with my eyes that he was ok and hear him breathe. I looked down at his calm body, but was not satisified that he was breathing. My heart skipped as I leaned over to hover just above his face where I could finally hear his quiet and peaceful sighs. As I walked back out I wondered how I was going to make it if I needed to check his breathing that closely! But motherhood has not been that tense. In fact, I believe Caleb has spoiled me.

He is a snuggler, and affectionate to family. He will jump up to sit by me and snuggle into my side saying, "Mommy. Mommy. Mmm. Mmm." He looks up at me with a sweet smile and soft blue eyes. He shows that he is safe and content next to me. Caleb has liked snuggling since the beginning. He loved being swaddled and his daddy is the best at it!

Caleb has really been a great sleeper. He never had his days and nights confused. As a nursing momma, I really don't remember hating night feedings. Our first several weeks I was still high on adenaline and on cloud 9 to be a mommy. I woke easily and gladly to meet his needs. He took a Nuk and was easy to get to sleep. When it came to be put down awake so he learned to sleep on his own, I couldn't handle the 'cry it out' method, and he was stubborn, so I found a book by The SleepLady and used her method. It was a slow and smooth transistion and he's been doing well since. For a stage he would run and climb into his bed happily for bedtime. Now it's a bit more begrudgingly.

What a great eater! He latched immediately and nursed quickly. He rarely needed to burp and I can't remembering him spitting up! Nursing was easy for us and I wish I could have done it longer, but my work schedule and stress put an end to my supply at about 7-8 months. When we switched to solids he again devoured food. We did cereal and veggies, then meat, for his first few months of solids and it paid off. He eats fruits and veggies gladly. Fruit is a great treat for him! But he'll eat his weight in broccoli.

He has his moments and tears but nothing that isn't turned around quickly. I think he may have reached 5 minutes once. When occassionally needed he takes timeouts well, with apologies and hugs after. Discipline goes well for being 2 1/2. In fact he sits in the timeout, takes a breath, flaps his arms down, and slunches his shoulders with guilt (or frustration). Stinking cute! Thank goodness he does not face me or he would see my grin.

Daycare is phenominal and we are lucky to have Amy provide such a nurturing and loving place for Caleb to learn and play. Caleb has always been good about babysitters, staying with grandparents, or getting dropped off at Daycare. I never need to worry and he lets me leave with hardly ever a tear, but rather a, "Bye Mommy. Have a good day!" And when he is picked up, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy..." There is usually at least one big hug too:)

Today he stopped what he was doing, picked up a craft feather and ran at me saying, "Tickle, tickle." Boy he knows how to make me laugh!

He is sensing the transition and prefers me to anyone right now. He wants to play with me on the floor, in his fort, or at the table. He wants me at night and he wants to sit by me. A few days I have gotten 'touched' out and go to the bathroom for a break. Yes, he still comes asking for me, but saying I'll be out in a minute usually suffices.

I know I'll regret this many times over and over but as he pulls me over to show something or snuggle for the 100th time that day, I have recently muttered, "Can you love me a little less?" I'll regret my words the first time he runs to Daddy instead of me, when he asks me not to hug or kiss him in public, when he calls a different girl instead of me for advice or encouragement, and many other times. Because the truth is I can not love him less. That's the most amazing truth of being a mother. He can aggrevate, whine, cry, and pout, but I cannot, will not love him less! He is my firstborn, sweet, intelligent, funny, 99th percentile son. A growing, loving boy who looks to me for reassurance, boundaries, and love. I pray God will grant me a long life and the wisdom to be his mother for all my days.

I love you, Caleb!

Carrying the world(s)

As I was desperately trying to find a comfortable position for sleep last night, I became very frustrated. I just wanted to sleep but my hips and pelvis ached and creaked with each movement. Finally after fitful stretches of sleep my body adjusted or resigned to the fact it would be horizontal. 3:00am was my hero and I got about a 3 hour stretch of sleep! Glorious! When Caleb stirred my loving husband went and got Caleb so we could lay in bed a little longer. However my son didn't feel like snuggling in my bed for long this morning. His request was, "Eat!"

I pushed myself up and my hips creaked again, resisting being vertical now. As I stood, one hand went under my growing belly and the other reached for the foot of the bed for support. Suddenly, "I feel like I'm carrying the world in my belly," dropped into my mind. Just as quickly it changed to, "Actually two worlds!"

My complaints and aches quickly diminished. Whoa, two worlds. It was completely true. Two lives had begun and their entire worlds nestle safely inside me. All they know is provided by my body. As I walked to the kitchen I prayed that these two babes also knew God already, His love, embrace, and grace. Suddenly the burden lightened slightly. While I am charged with this physical burden and blessing, my babies and I are not alone as we ache and grow. We are supported and loved by our family, and above all God!

Thanks for meeting me where I was at this morning, God.

Christmas Morning

December 25, 2013

Caleb went to bed without much anticipation. He didn't know what was in store for him the next morning. We hadn't done much hype about Santa or any elves at our house. For Christmas Eve we had dinner and presents, and then played. So was it any surprise that he woke up as usual and ran to the couch to watch some cartoons. He didn't even look for anything more near the tree, but there was something there. Josh lured him over and they peeked inside the fort Santa (Nana) made for him.

Then he noticed the stick horse that Santa (Papa) made for him. Then he unwrapped the tunnel from Aunt Britta, Uncle Ryan, and Kiri. The fort had a special hidden entrance for the tunnel to attach to. Caleb was pumped. Then he opened a cowboy outfit, chaps, vest, and bandana. Next was the handcuffs and pistols. Introducing Cowboy Caleb, complete with a hideout and horse!

The rest of the day included extreme Cowboy skills. He was my hero multiples times as he would have me handcuffed, grab the keys, and then say, "I rescue you, Mommy!" What a guy! He could melt my heart with each successful rescue.

I called Grandma Miller for her Creamed Eggs and Toast recipe, and we enjoyed a family favorite. I made a roux for the second time in two days. I felt so domestic:) What a day of play and good eating! It was too windy for the planned ice fishing trip, but we didn't mind staying cozy together.

Before having Caleb the joy of Christmas had lost some of its luster for me. I got the hymns and services to feel that Jesus was born, but the true elation and joy was difficult to conjure. I loved giving presents, and appreciated opening them, but something was missing. Apparently, Caleb was missing. This Christmas was all about joy. His joy and kindness when opening gifts. His creativity when assembling and playing with new items. It is the child-like faith in goodness, God, and imagination that gave me back the Christmas Joy!

I hope and pray each of you had Christmas Joy too!
Here are some captured moments of Christmas Morning. I have a playlist linked to this video.